- Getter Mouse Slot Machine Stuck On C7 Z06
- Getter Mouse Slot Machine Stuck On C7 Disc
- Getter Mouse Slot Machine Stuck On C7 Corvette
- Getter Mouse Slot Machine Stuck On C7 C6
How To Easily Fix Mouse Lag On Windows 10?
My husband prefers to use the USB Wireless Mouse when borrowing my laptop vs our old desktop, whereas I prefer just to use the laptops sensor keypad. However, if I remove the USB and try to revert back to using built in laptop sensor pointer, I cannot control the computer at all. 1002978 - Cute Mouse Ears - (no description) 1002979 - Marbum Headgear - Put this on and you'll feel as if you're already riding down the boulevard on your bike! 1002961 - Gray Mask - (no description) 1002968 - Pancake Hat - (no description) 1002984 - Spiegelmann's Hat - (no description) 1002995 - Royal Navy Hat - (no description) Cape. Jingle, jangle, jingles calling me - the slot machines are calling me. Joe Jitsu - jujitsu (self-defense art) judge finally threw Santa Claus out of court - in Miracle on 34st Street, judge threw the case out of court, thereby accepting that it was the real Kris Kringle playing Santa Claus. Julie-of-All-Trades - female Jack-of-all-Trades.
Computers can suffer slow response or 'lag', a term commonly used in online gaming. In general, lag is the time difference between initiating a task and the action or result. For example, it might refer to a delay that occurs between the time a key is pressed on the keyboard and the time that the corresponding character appears on the screen. This is one simple example, but there are many other situations where lag might be a problem.
Working with computers can be stressful enough without having to deal with mouse and keyboard lag. Poor computer performance can quickly lead to diminished overall work output, so removing mouse and keyboard issues will greatly improve efficiency. The most likely reasons could be interference from certain hardware or software, Windows settings, or types of peripherals used. Windows 10 mouse lags can appear during mouse cursor scrolling with a wireless Bluetooth mouse or trackpad on Windows 10 laptop or desktop computers. If you experience Windows 10 lag problems with your mouse (the cursor stutters, freezes, or does not move at all), read the guide below to find a possible solution.
Table of Contents:
It is recommended to run a free scan with Malwarebytes - a tool to detect malware and fix computer errors. You will need to purchase the full version to remove infections and eliminate computer errors. Free trial available.
Reinstall/Update Your Mouse Driver
A device driver is software that informs the operating system and other software how to interact with particular hardware. It is like a translator between software and hardware, since they often are created by different manufacturers, companies, or people. The driver facilitates smooth communication between hardware and software. In most cases, computers are unable to send and receive data correctly without drivers. If the appropriate driver is not installed, the device might not function properly, if at all. A fault with your mouse driver might cause problems with lag. Try your mouse on another computer to see if you can repeat the problem. If not, then you probably have a faulty driver and that requires re-installation. To do so, type 'device manager' in Search and click the 'Device Manager' result to open it.
In Device Manager, find 'Mice and other pointing devices', expand it and right-click on your mouse, select 'Uninstall' from the drop-down menu to uninstall it. Restart the computer and Windows will automatically install the missing driver.
You can also try updating your mouse driver. Repeat the steps and select 'Update driver' from the drop-down menu when right-clicked on your mouse in the Device Manager window. You will be asked if you want to search for updated driver software automatically or to browse your computer for driver software. If you select the first option, Windows will search your computer and the Internet for the latest driver software for your device. If you select to browse your computer for driver software, you will need to have the correct driver on your computer or USB drive. You can find the driver on your mouse manufacturer's website.
Another way to update or install a new driver for your mouse is by using third-party software such as Snappy Driver Installer. You will need a computer with a working internet connection in order to download it.
Snappy Driver Installer (SDI) is a powerful free driver updater tool for Windows that can store its entire collection of drivers offline. Having offline drivers gives Snappy Driver Installer the ability to have access to fast driver updates, even if there is no active internet connection. Snappy Driver works with both 32-bit and 64-bit versions of Windows 10, Windows 8, Windows 7, Windows Vista, and Windows XP. Drivers are downloaded through Snappy Driver Installer in what are called driverpacks, which are just collections (packs) of drivers for various hardware like sound devices, video cards, network adapters etc. It can also show duplicate drivers and invalid drivers and it separates the updates that require you to restart your computer so it would be easier to distinguish them from the rest. You can download Snappy Driver Installer from here.
After you have finished updating and installing drivers, restart Windows 10 for the changes to take effect and see if this helps to fix the mouse lag problem.
Update Your Graphics Driver
To update the graphic driver through Windows, go to Device Manager (as described in the method above). In the Device Manager window, expand 'Display adapters' (or click the arrow showing right). Right-click the graphics driver and select 'Update driver'.
Windows will ask you how you want to search for drivers. Click 'Search automatically for updated driver software'. Windows will find and install drivers for you. Alternatively, you can choose to browse your computer for driver software - you will need to have the correct driver on your computer or USB drive. You can find it on your graphics card manufacturer's website.
To update your graphics driver, use you can also use Snappy Driver Installer. You can find the link for the described method above. Or, you can read full article about how to update your video drivers on Windows 10 here.
Disable/Enable Scroll Inactive Windows Feature
One of the native features of Windows 10 is the ability to scroll inactive windows by simply hovering over such a window with the mouse pointer and then using the mouse wheel. The contents of the inactive window will be scrolled. For example, if you have an inactive Notepad window containing text, that text will be scrolled. The focus will not change and remain in the current active window. Disabling this feature (and re-enabling, if needed) might help to fix the mouse lag issue. To disable/enable this feature go to Settings and click 'Devices'.
In Devices settings, click 'Mouse' (or 'Mouse & touchpad') on the left pane and then try disabling and enabling the 'Scroll inactive windows when I hover them' feature a few times and check if the issue is resolved.
If you are using a laptop, try setting your touchpad to 'No delay (always on)' - you will find this option under the 'Touchpad' section.
End Realtek Audio Process
It is possible that your Realtek audio card (or other audio card) might interfere with your mouse and cause the lag issue. To fix this problem, you need to terminate the Realtek audio process in Task Manager. Right-click on Start and click 'Task Manager' to open it.
In Task Manager, find 'Realtek audio.exe' under the 'Processes' tab and right-click it. Select 'End task' from the drop-down menu to end the process.
This issue can also be caused by Realtek Audio Manager. In some cases, this application starts automatically with Windows and causes the problem to occur. To fix the issue, open Task Manager again and disable Realtek Audio Manager in the Startup tab. In the Task Manager window, click 'Startup' tab and try to locate Realtek Audio Manager. If it appears, select it by clicking it, and then click 'Disable' to disable it from launching on Windows startup.
Disable Fast Startup
Fast startup is a feature on Windows 10 (and also Windows 8) that provides a faster boot time when starting up your computer. It is a useful feature and one that most people use without knowing, however, some people disable it immediately when they receive a new computer with the Windows operating system. With the fast startup feature enabled, shutting down your computer might seem like you are completely shutting it down, but this is not entirely true, since it moves into a state between hibernation and shutdown. Leaving fast startup enabled should not harm your PC, since it is a Windows feature, but this could be the reason why the mouse is lagging. To fix the problem, you could disable this feature to see if it helps. To disable this feature, go to Search and type 'control panel'. Click on the 'Control Panel' result to open it.
In Control Panel, set 'View by:' to 'Small icons', find 'Power options' and click it.
In the Power Options window, click 'Choose what the power button does'.
Click on 'Change settings that are currently unavailable' and then uncheck the 'Turn on fast startup (recommended)' option if it is enabled. Click 'Save changes' to save the changes made. Your mouse should start working normally again.
Disable Cortana
Cortana is a virtual assistant created by Microsoft. Disabling it might resolve the problem with mouse lag. To disable Cortana, open it and go to Settings in the top left corner. In Settings, find the 'Cortana can give you suggestions, ideas, reminders, alerts and more' option and set it to 'Off'. Check if this helps to resolve the issue.
[Back to Table of Contents]
Disconnect Other USB Devices
Another solution that might help is to disconnect any other devices from USB ports. Often, other USB devices can interfere with the mouse and cause a lag issue. Try to disconnect your portable hard drive from the USB port if there is one connected (you do not need to disconnect your keyboard).
There are different USB port types. For example USB 2.0 and USB 1.0 differ in the data transfer rate they are capable of. The maximum speed that USB 1.0 devices can achieve is 12Mbps, while 2.0 devices can theoretically achieve up to 40 times more. If you are using a wireless mouse, try connecting its receiver to the USB 2.0 port.
[Back to Table of Contents]
Adjust Power Management Settings For USB
Type 'device manager' in Search and click the 'Device Manager' result to open it.
In Device Manager, find 'Universal Serial Bus controllers' and expand it. Double-click the USB Hub device to open its properties.
In the USB Hub device properties window, click the 'Power Management' tab and uncheck the 'Allow the computer to turn off this device to save power' checkbox. Repeat these steps for all USB Hub devices your computer. After completing these steps, your mouse should work properly and without any lag.
We hope that one of these solutions helped you to fix the mouse lag issue on your Windows PC and that your mouse is now working properly.
Video Showing How To Fix Mouse Lag On Windows 10:
Illuminating the Collection of Humorous Essays
Copyright 2002 by Bobby Matherne
After you've found the term you are interested in, perhaps you'd like to try another of the Collection of 20 Humorous Essays.
For background information on how the Book of Calvin came about, read Book 1.
0102030405060708091011121314151617181920
~ Do a Find to Locate on this Page a Term and Recover its Original Meaning ~
Did you have a problem understanding what was the original expression or figure of speech that Calvin worked his malapropic magic upon? If so, we've included a this Glossary of Terms for you to search so that you may restore your mind to its normal, pre-calvin condition upon finishing each chapter or the entire book.
If you have experienced problems recalling the correct phrase after reading Calvin's creative interpretation ofit, this glossary is for you. Consider it as an antidote or a RESET button for returning control of your original languagecapability to you. While preparing this glossary, I first put the correct translation for 'beat you with a red-headed child'as 'beat you with a red-headed stepchild' which was close -- the correct phrase being, of course, 'beat you like a red-headed stepchild.' Like a good parent holding a spoon of medicine in front of your mouth, I say, read on, it's good foryou.
Calvinism - Translation
1492 - according to Calvin: the year the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock (They landed in 1620; 1492 was actually the year Columbus discovered the America.)
a bad case of diuretics - a bad case of diarrhea
a day that will live in infiny - an attempted quotation of FDR's famous words about December 7, 1941, 'a day that will live in infamy'
a dollar short and a day long - a day late and a dollar short
a done-did - a done deal
a feast de la resistance - combination of a feast and a piece de resistence
a fresh of breath air - a breath of fresh air
a gander walk - a jaunty walk
a good marching band guy - a good drum major
Alaska-Siberian husky - Siberian husky (husky derives from shortening of eskimo)
a leprosy fit - an epileptic fit
a lump on a log - a bump on a log
a mind like memory - a good memory
a new additive party - a new addition to our party
a real snobby in the grass - combination of 'a real snob' and 'a snake in the grass'
a sex-crazed hemophiliac - a sex-crazed nymphomaniac
a side of chocolate - a slab of chocolate
a slap in the Bible - a slap on the Bible
a slip of words - a verbal slip
a stragetic mistake - a strategic mistake
a victim of my own circumstances - a victim of circumstances
a wet spot in my Daddy's pants - Calvin's view of a person's state prior to conception
a fast go-getter - a go-getter that operates very quickly
a zoom lens of it - (best guess) a telephoto shot of it
Acorn's Jewelry Store - Aucoin's Jewelry Store (downtown New Orleans)
add anti-freeze to my car's AC unit - add refrigerant fluid (Freon) to my car's AC unit
aersoling the greens - aerating the greens
Al Cleavage - Wally Cleaver (in TV show, Leave It To Beaver, the Beaver's older brother)
all there in black and blue - all there in black and white
Alvis - Elvis (Elvis Presley, rock and roll singer and actor)
Always in a Manger - Away in a Manger
ample theater - amphitheater
amputate them - (of potatoes) cut them in half
Am I right or am I lying? - Am I telling the truth or am I lying? or Am I right or wrong?
an interial decorator - an interior decorator
an injection seat - an ejection seat
an osmosis - a mimosa (drink with orange juice and champagne)
anchavees -- it's the plural of anchovies
anglish turn - (combination of angular turn and a turn requiring some english, like on a cue ball)
Ann Landries - Ann Landers(newspaper columnist, twin sister of Dear Abby)
anorexia - dyslexia
anthelon - according to Calvin: Olympic event like the Decathlon, but only one event
anti-human - inhuman
A. P. O. Schwartz - F. A. O. Schwartz (famous toy outlet in New York City)
apple that Cinderella had when she was crucified - Snow White when she was poisoned
applediesiac or appledaysiac - aphrodisiac
artificial insinuation - artificial insemination
Aspi Lamonte - Asti Spumante
Audrey Heffern in the African Queen - Katherine Hepburn in the movie, African Queen (Audrey Hepburn films: My Fair Lady and Breakfast at Tiffany's)
automatic transom - automatic transmission
Awuminum - aluminum (Calvin's pronunciation: uh - womb - mee - numb)
baby breasts - baby's breath (small white flowers used in floral arrangements)
backsdoorsmen - combination of outdoors men and backwoodsmen
bad with memories - has a bad memory
ball repair marker - ball mark repairer
bafflegab - coined word to denote Calvin's speech patterns
Barbarian Cremes (a.k.a. Ball-bearian Cremes) - Bavarian Creme filled doughnuts
Batman said to Jack Nicklaus - Batman said to Jack Nicholson (in Movie Batman)
Bayou Couch - Bayou Gauche (small community outside New Orleans)
beat the occupants mercifully - beat the occupants mercilessly
beat you with a red-headed child - beat you like a red-headed stepchild
beignet - bidet (a beignet is a New Orleans donut covered with powdered sugar)
Ben Shaw - Ben Crenshaw (1995 Master's Winner)
between here and now - right now
big black bird - (best guess) Maltese Falcon
Big Pilgrim - variation of Big Boy
Big Boy - term of endearment for Calvin's close friends (origin: may be Bob's Big Boy restaurants)
Big Enchilada - Big Apple (New York City's nickname, New Orleans is Big Easy)
Bill Peco - Pecos Bill
birds make honey and bees sting - (best guess) bees make honey and birds sing
birthmark on my nine iron - scuff mark on my nine iron
Black, White, and Red - Red, White, and Blue (Goodwill-type store)
blind victim of innocence - innocent (combination of 'I was an innocent victim' and 'a case of blind justice')
blind as a Batman - blind as a bat
blithereens - combination of smithereens and oblivion
blocks the shade - lets the sun come in
blue harvest over the moon - combination of blue ribbon harvest and once in a blue moon
body gets adequated - body gets acclimated
boil them live - (of potatoes) boil them with their skins on
Bon Ala Lafitte! - Bon Appetit!
bone and the finger - (best guess) boney finger
boomin' idiot - bloomin' idiot
bottled down - bogged down
bourgeois pants - boudoir pants
bowel language - foul language
bracket water - brackish water (slightly salty inland marsh water near the gulf)
Bringham, Barney, and Bailey circus - Ringling Bros, Barnum, and Bailey circus
broaden the horizon - broaden his horizon
bubble gum for flies - (a Venus flytrap has a sticky substance that attracts flies, like bubble gum attracts kids, and bubble gum is sticky)
buck and a boe - buck and a doe
Buddy Holiday Story - Buddy Holly Story (movie)
Buenos Aires - Buick Riviera
Bugs Boney - Bugs Bunny
busy as a bee pod - combination of beehive and pea pod
busy as two little beavers 'n a bee - combination of busy as a bee and busy as a beaver
Butter me timbers! - Shiver me timbers!
by the foot of my heel - by the heel of my foot
Calm your jets - cool your jets, settle down
canceled their lives - revoked their life sentences
can't have your bread without your jelly - can't have your cake and eat it too
can't keep anything sacred - can't keep anything secret
Carbonating up - carbohydrating up or, as Calvin might say it: short for carbing up.
Careetozoids - butt
Cereal de Bergerac - Cyrano de Bergerac (see also Sergio de Bergerac)
chestnuts open on a roasting fire - chestnuts roasting on a open fire
Chinese-Mexican - used to refer to Genghis Khan
chism - chisel
chitters - chiggers
chomping away at the bit - champing at the bit(idiomatic for impatience)
class-a-phobia - combination of class-phobia and claustrophobia
clanged to me - did cling to me (no acceptable past tense, but that never stopped Calvin)
Clerk Kent - Clark Kent
closet case - basket case
coacher pickles - kosher pickles
cocker - rooster (strutting like a cock)
cockpits - armpits
collimer - collimater (device for creating parallel rays)
come-as-you-want party - come-as-you-are party
concrete timbers - concrete borders for my flower beds
consemplate - contemplate
continents - consonant - the non-vowel letters of alphabet
cordless - according to Calvin: doesn't have any batteries
corrobulated - corroborated
Cosmo-reatard - a jerky person (in Calvin' words, 'short for asshole')
Cosmo-reatard, Jr. - not a fully developed Cosmo-reatard
councilman - counselor
country songer - country singer
Crabmeat au Grotto - crabmeat au gratin
Cratchet Wrench Set - ratchet set
crippled snake - (best guess) crooked snake
cross-thread - (when a nut is placed at an angle on a bolt and it cuts across a thread, this process is call cross-threading -- apparently Calvin felt his feet had crossed each other similarly)
crotch - crutch
cubic zucchinium engagement ring - cubic zirconium engagement ring
cumberlin - cummerbund
Cut the sleeves -- hit the track! - (best guess) Cut the slack!
Darvil - combination of Darvon and Advil (handy word if you have a headache)
days of Deliverance - biblical-like reference to the 1970's movie, Deliverance
D. C. Hammer - famous rapper, M. C. Hammer
deader than a doorknob - deader than a doornail
dead pedestals for petals - dead petals
deck the halls with balls of folly - deck the halls with boughs of holly
dietetic coma - diabetic coma
Did you ever dance in the pale of the blue moon? - Did you ever dance in the pale moonlight?
didn't sleep an ounce - didn't sleep a wink
digs itself a foot in the ground - (best guess) digs himself a hole in the ground
Dillie's at Lakeside - Dilliard's department store in Lakeside Shopping Center
ding-dong, thing-thing - euphemisms for penis
Dippus-Marripus - a creepy person, especially one who is undependable
dirt and pretty - nice and pretty
dirty breath - bad breath (in dogs esp.)
dog bag - dirt bag (industry jargon for contract worker)
do you have any condoms for rent? - do you have any condos for rent?
Dolly Polly - Dolly Parton(Country singer and actress)
Don Juan - Don Ho (Hawaiian singer and entertainer, song: Tiny Bubbles)
don't let them kid yourself - don't let them kid you
Don't put any more fire on the flames - Don't put any more fuel on the fire.
dosgris - in Cajun, a black duck ( a.k.a. lesser scaup)
double-nut spy - double-naught spy
Mr. Jekyll and Dr. Hyde - Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (famous horror movie about dual personality)
droop depression - combination of drooping and depression
E-regular azmutt of aloven degrees - irregular azimuth of eleven degrees
Earl Jones James - James Earl Jones (actor, film: Clear and Present Danger)
East Jeff-Sermonian - East Jeffersonian (graduate of East Jefferson High School)
eating her curls away - eating her curds and whey (nursery rhyme: Little Miss Muffet)
eight o'clock in the morning -- don't be dirty - he meant to say: eight-thirty, don't be dirty
embuttment - embankment (sounds so much like a real word)
end of my ropes - end of my rope
ESP -- extra sensual perception - extra sensory perception
ESPN - extra sensory perception
Ethel Williams - Ester Williams (famous swimmer and movie star)
Ethiopianing away - wasting away
eucharist - uterus
eulick - eunuch
Eurethra! - Eureka!
everybody's got skulls in their closet - everybody's got skeletons in their closet
Exclamento! - (best guess) Excellent and worthy of Exclamation!
excremated - cremated combined with excrement
EX-RAY - X-RAY
eye-boggling - mind-boggling for the eyes
Eye-to-eye contact - hand-to-eye coordination
eyelitting - tying (as in tying shoelaces)
Fabio - Favio - (Italian male model)
fart boxing - seeing who can make the louder fart sounds (real or imitations)
fateek - see fatique'
fatique' - physique
feeling pastel - combination of feeling pastoral and feeling mellow
Felice Favida - Felice Navidad (Merry Christmas in Spanish)
Felix Under - Felix Unger (of the Odd Couple, TV show)
fellow neighbors - fellow man (fellow and neighbors both mean kindred, therefore a redundancy)
fill my yard with erosion - add fill dirt in my yard to prevent erosion
first served, first come - first come, first served
fits the cake - combination of takes the cake and fits to a tee
flavor-taste test - taste it
flimsy - floozie
floating on a cushion of fresh air - (best guess) walking on air
floormat my mind - format my mind (like a computer disk?)
Florida Nightingale - combination of Florence Nightingale and sings like a nightingale
fluttered - (best guess) sputtered
fort - fart
fossil-type frogs - immature frogs
foundered - fondled
foundering - fondling
Fred Astaire - Red Adair (famous oil well fire-fighter) (actually dancer and actor; film: Top Hat)
full facial figure - full-bodied figure
full pledged - full fledged
fumigate - (combination of fume and ferment)
gackling - combination of cackling and gabbing
gaffling hooks - grappling hooks
get my curios pushed back - get my cuticles pushed back
get two stones with one bird - get two birds with one stone
get the wingtips trimmed from my hair - long curled up ends of his hair extending past his collargirls girls wearing pastries - girls wearing pasties
giving you the upper hand - (best guess) giving you a hand up
golf coast - golf course
Gonad the Barbarian - Conan the Barbarian (likes creme filled donuts)
go-getter - go-for or gopher - one who fetches things
grappling and gaffling - grappling (to grab with the hands, gaffling is not in dictionary, yet)
green allergy - green algae
gremlin - mouse ( a computer pointing tool)
Grizzly Bear - (best guess) Grizzly Adams
grossify - yuck
grout - grouse
hairy medicine - steroids (cause excessive hair growth)
Hamlet Chapter 2, Scene 3 - used to explain a verbal gaffe (note Hamlet has Acts, not Chapters)
happily-owned property owners - happy property owners
Hari Kari moves - Hai Karate moves (Note: Hara Kiri is Japanese suicide by self-evisceration.)
Hark the herald angels sing, tralalala-la, trala-la-la - . . . fa la lah la lah - la lah lah lah
have a question to your answer - have an answer to your question
have in comparison - have in common
he had excess - he had access
headway news - headline news
hear the better light of day tomorrow - hear better in the light of day tomorrow
hearing the tip of the iceberg - seeing the tip of the iceberg
heartbreaking, throbbing situation - subjective description of Calvin's visceral responses to walking into a health club full of beautiful women in tight briefs.
harky-dorrey - malarkey (humbug or nonsense)
He's gonna have a kick with your ass - He's gonna kick you in your ass
he who laughs first, laughs last - (standard)he who laughs last, laughs best (or longest);
(my favorite version) he who laughs, lasts
hibernating - hyperventilating
hieroglyphic dance - an Egyptian dance
high waters - trousers rolled up to calf
Hildenburg - Hindenberg - giant dirigible burned over New Jersey airfield.
hiney-hole - rectum
hit some high keys - hit some high notes
Holly haunted house - Halloween haunted house
Holy Moses - name of Dudley Moore movie
homo sexuals - homo sapiens
hopscotch - a hop and a skip
Howard Huge - Howard Hughes- film and aircraft magnate (may have designed bra for his famous actress girl friend, Terry Moore, who knows for sure?)
hyphen - usually interchangeable with apostrophe
I can't read that. The light is shining on it. - (repeated theme) with his impaired vision too much light makes it difficult for Calvin to see.
I can see as long as there's no light - although a true statement for Calvin's diabetic eyes, he's not aware of the humor of his statement.
I don't want to be in front of you or behind you - I don't want to be anywhere near you
I got that moving energy - (best guess) I'm agitated
I got light meat - I weigh less
I got information of my eye - I got inflammation of my eye
I bypassed your office - I passed by your office
I gotta head myself up! - (best guess) I gotta get headed out!
I put the shoe on the other foot - I tried imagining if the shoe were on the other foot
I have this mental telepathy mind - I have mental telepathy.
I have Eureka! - Eureka! (Word spoken by Archimedes as he ran naked through the streets of Syracruse - no, not New York - after he discovered the concept of density)
I fit the tee. - (best guess) It fits me to a tee.
I got anorexia - I got dyslexia (anorexia is a pyschosomatic disorder resulting in superthin bodies)
I just sat there with my fingers sticking up my butt - (backfit of the injunction: Don't just sit there with your finger in your butt, do something!)
I met my heaven - combination of I met the girl of my dreams and she was heavenly
I need to know one question - I need an answer
I'll castrate her -(best guess) I'll decapitate her (castrate is removal of testicles - did she have some?)
I'll cornhusker you - (best guess) I'll cornhole you (old metaphor going back to outhouse days)
I'm a rightie, Rob, not a leftie - (exquisite confusion here) actually, golf gloves go on the opposite hand (left hand for right handed golfers, and vice versa)
I'm dead lying - (best guess) I'm dead right
I'm out in left space. - I'm out in left field.(reference to baseball park-idiom for out of mainstream)
I'm starvion - I'm starving
I'm wringing him out - (best guess) I'm leaving him out.
I'm shot out of luck - combination of shit out of luck and shut out
I'm wimped - I'm whipped
I've got my troubles, you've got mine - I've got my troubles, you've got yours
incardeato - incognito (latin expression for in disguise)
in memorative of you - to commemorate you
innocent victim - (Is there such a thing as a guilty victim? If not there can't be an innocent one.)
insult thy fellow neighbors - insult thy fellow man (fellow and neighbors both mean kindred)
intimate self-conscious - (best guess) intuition
invitation wood - imitation wood
I pride in my yard - I take pride in my yard (pride is an intransitive verb to Calvin)
it makes me see blind - it makes me close my eyes
it healed up sore - combination of it healed and it ended up sore
It forms in its own water - Calvin's theory of volcano formation (actually how Hawaii formed)
That fits the cake, don't it? - That takes the cake, don't it?
it's ineligible - it's illegible
it's like picking teeth from Danny - it's like pulling teeth for Danny
I got eyes behind my ears - I've got eyes behind my head
it's raining so hard, I can't find my drawers - (anybody's guess - is this a real song?)
I want to express the moment - (best guess) I want to savour the moment
Jackson Square Street - Jackson Square
Jean Nateece diet - Jenny Craig diet
Jergens cow - Jersey cow
Jerry Humbledink - Englebert Humperdinck (popular singer of 70's)
Jimmy Swaggner - Jimmy Swaggart (TV evangelist and public crier)
jingle, jaggle, jingle - jingle, jangle, jingle
jingle, jangle, jingles calling me - the slot machines are calling me
Joe Jitsu - jujitsu (self-defense art)
judge finally threw Santa Claus out of court - in Miracle on 34st Street, judge threw the case out of court, thereby accepting that it was the real Kris Kringle playing Santa Claus.
Julie-of-All-Trades - female Jack-of-all-Trades
jumping cables - jumper cables
Jurman name - combination of German and Jewish names
keep it for prosperity - keep it for posterity
keep my mouth silent - keep my mouth shut
keep this under your skin - keep this a secret
knows me like a brick - knows me like a book
Lean McKeen - McLean hamburger
leap-second year - (best guess) New York second
leave now or earlier - I should have already left by now
Life Is Wonderful - It's a Wonderful Life (Christmas movie with Jimmy Stewart, Donna Reed)
Light Feather - light as a feather (Indian Name?)
like water off a duck's feather - like water off a duck's back
like throwing dirt on top of the pain - like throwing salt in the wound
lip service - chewed him out verbally
Lloyd Christopher - Christopher Lloyd (actor of Taxi and Back to the Future)
Long Cheney - Lon Cheney, famous movie star of 40's and 50's
log of rhythms - (best guess: logarithms)
look ripe and smiffy - (best guess) look nice and spiffy
looking dirt and pretty - looking nice and pretty
Look who's calling the kettle black! - You're the pot calling the kettle black!
Lord and Behold! - Lo and Behold!
love and tender and care - tender loving care
LPG - liquidified petroleum gas
LSU Bingo Tiger - LSU Bengal Tiger
lucked our butts out - (combination of lucked out and played our butts off)
lump on a log - bump on a log
made my heart flubber - (best guess) made my heart do flips (Flubber - Walt Disney Movie)
make your tongue get hard and your dick reach up and slap your brains out - make your dick get hard and your tongue reach up and slap your brains out
making sure it's naughty or nice - making sure it's clean
malagmites - stalagmites (go up) (mnemonic: Mites go up and Tites go down)
malapropism - named after Mrs. Malaprop in The Rivals by Richard B. Sheridan(1751-1816) who was famous for her ludicrous misuse of words (distant relative of Calvin, we believe)
Marty Feldman - comedian and actor of 1960's, film: Young Frankenstein
Mel Di Marcos - Melda Marcos (wife of Fedinand Marcos, head of Philippines for many years)
mental celebrity - combination of mental ability and celebrity
metric mile - according to Calvin: 52,000 yards(closest thing: a kilometer - about 5/8 of a mile)
Michael London - Michael Landon, TV star of Bonanza and Little House on Prairie
middle class - intermediate class
middle of a hot potato - (oblique reference to idiomatic expression referring to tossing a problem from one person to another like a hot potato - so it only stays a short time in anyone's hands. Alternate expression: flinging the monkey)
mini-micro-processor - mini-food-processor
Minuet Towers - minaret towers - used for prayer in Arab countries
mis-advertisements - combination of mistake and advertisement
Miss Pageant - won a beauty pageant
motion-movie camera - (combination of movie camera and motion picture camera)
molder points - (best guess) the points of my molars (teeth)
molestering - molesting
money to pay for her diary - money to pay for her dowry
moose tache - moustache
Mosque Code - Morse Code
Moss code - Morse code
move my garden hose to a new spigot - find a new woman
Mr. Expertise-Rubberbandio! Calvin's name for expert at rubber band shooting
Mr. Suave' Boner - Soave Bolla (brand of wine) sounds like a suave man's name
Mr. whoever G. Thompson is - Mr. G. Thompson (but Calvin didn't know what the G. stood for)
Mrs. Trigger - Dale Evans' horse (obviously married to her husband, Roy Rogers' horse, Trigger)
Muchos groceries - muchos gracias
muddle puddle - combination of a confusing mess (muddle) and a messy confusion (puddle)
murdered himself - committed suicide
mushroonies- mushrooms
Muslins - Muslims
my splash poop things - cowboy chaps
my brain is facing forward -(best guess) my heart is in the right place
my ball walked across the water - my ball skipped across the water
my entire life has been drained from me - (best guess) drained of energy
My expenses match my outgo - My expenses match my income
my thing-thing blesses itself - (anybody's guess on this one) see thing-thing
my etiquette - (best guess) my way of talking
Natalie Cole - Natalie Wood (as a child star in Miracle on 34st Street)
national state park - national park in a state
Nazi wars - World War II
negatoriola - Italian form of 'negatory' -- from the Army form of 'no'
Never Never World - - Never Never Land (Peter Pan: 'I want to fly and never, never land.')
new red Feeario - new red Ferrari (Italian sports car)
New York peppermint bar - New York mint (a popular candy, sold individually at restaurant cash registers)
niece-sister-in-law - the wife of my nephew
Nifty Ditty Girt Band - Nitty Gritty Dirt Band (popular band of the 1960's)
nipplemaniac - nymphomaniac (woman with abnormal craving for sex)
North Fork pine - Norfolk Island pine (popular indoor potted plant native to island in South Pacific)
nurse-doctor - combination of nurse and doctor
on a cline - on an incline
oncoming boobs - visualize incoming missiles aimed at your chest
one-eyed bandit - (at the time Calvin could only see out of one eye and had to use a large magnifying glass to see at all. He was very close to the proverbial phrase, blind in one eye and can't see out of the other one.)
one-finger push-button - push-button
on-the-tray - entree
out-tower - is taller than
panoramic hat - Panama hat
Panoramic Joe - Panama Jack
parachuted up - floated up a like parachute (if parachutes floated up instead of down)
Paretti radial tires - Parelli radial tires (Paretti is name of a local car dealership)
Passapaterian - Presbyterian
pattern is stoned in granite - pattern is carved in granite
Paul McCarthy - Paul McCartney (original Beatles member, songwriter)
paving sayroll plan - payroll saving plan
Payne Stewart - professional golfer (known for his original Scottish attire)
Peco River - Pecos River
personal magnification - personal magnetism
pervertial person - perverted person
pessimates him - post-castration syndrome (it makes him pessimistic)
pictorial muscles - pectoral muscles
piece of stone with concrete between it - (best guess) brick
Piggy Wiggy - Piggly Wiggly Supermarket
Platex living gloves - rubber gloves (oblique reference to old TV commercial for Platex living bra)
porch eggs - eggs found under the porch (actually I think he meant poached eggs)
portable Chocolate Crunches - miniature Chocolate Crunches
posique - combination of physique and pose
potholes - deep fishing holes
pounced the ball - hit the top of the ball with my club
poundy-poundy - beat fast and loudly
Preemypress - PermaPress
Prickly Diet - Pritikin Diet
prosecute - protoscope
put fire in her bubble - (best guess) get her all steamed up
put hair on your chest - standard cliche here, except Calvin said it to a woman
put out a momentum - put out a memorandum
radiator fuel - anti-freeze (ethylene glycol - know to kill pets)
raise the window down - raise the window up
Ramsey - Rameses
Read it, weep it, and sign it. - combination of Read it and weep. and Sign it.
read the spies -(best guess) deciphered secret code messages
real stuck up in the nose - combination of real stuck up and with her nose in the air
really bottles my mind - really boggles my mind
reaped of the scent - reeked of the scent
re-erect - resurrect
reframe myself from it - refrain from it
refurbitated - farted
re-illerating - reiterating
repuddle - combination of repudiate and rebuttal
Getter Mouse Slot Machine Stuck On C7 Z06
rickety-rackety pinion steering - rack and pinion steering
ridicured - ridiculed
riling my feathers - riling me
Rin-Tin - Rin Tin Tin (famous dog movie star)
rinkedy-dinkedy - (best guess) sound of coins hitting the tray at the bottom of slot machine
Road Elephant - Rogue Elephant
Robert Louis Stevenson -(1850-94)Scottish novelist and poet (quote: 'Old and young, we are allon our last cruise.')
Robert Nero - Robert De Niro (movie star)
Rolodex watch - Rolex watch
rubber banjos - (best guess) banjos with rubber bands for strings
ruffling my dandruff. - ruffling my feathers (he got the first word correct here)
rumpled my feathers - ruffled my feathers (and the second word correct here)
rumple your ruffles - ruffle your feathers (missed 'em both here)
salamander poisoning - salmonella poisoning
Samuel Clemens - aka Mark Twain (1835-1910) humourist and novelist (quote: 'Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.')
sanitation-type person - sanitary person
santanic lyrics - satanic
Santa Marosa - Santa Ana (Mexican general)
Satsuma wrestler - Sumo wrestler(note: There was a Satsuma clan in medieval Japan)
save it for prosperity - save it for posterity
Save a tree, kill a forest - Plant a tree, Save a Forest
schweating - sweating (Calvin adds 'sch' sound to many words that start with 'sw')
scolmuncha - something large attached to something else (like Jimmy Durante's nose)
second-wife-to-be-at-the-time - fiancée (second marriage)
septic pencil - styptic pencil (contains alum, used for staunching minor cuts during shaving)
Sergio-Dimergiac - Cyrano de Bergerac (see also Cereal de Bergerac)
Sesame Street Balls on my hamburger bun - sesame seeds on hamburger bun
set the president - set the precedent
sexual dentures - sexual gestures
Shall we tallyho? - Shall we go? (Calvin literally said, Shall we incite the foxes for the hunt?)
Sharon Stallone - Sharon Stone (movie actress, film: Basic Instincts)
shied me away - shooed me away
shrimp ala grout - shrimp au gratin
shrimp mummylade - shrimp remoulade
side language - sign language
side-distracted - sidetracked
silent hush - (best guess) solemn hush
sky hook - an imaginary device that, suspended in the sky, one can attach a hook to for raising things (note: with satelite technology, this may become a reality someday)
slip of the error - (combination of slip of the tongue and error)
snorkeling - snarling (snorkeling is swimming while head underwater, breathing through a snorkel)
So it be said, let it be written. - So it is written, so let it be done.
Someday, over the rainbow - Somewhere, over the rainbow
soup du jour - it's supposed to change every day -- it means the daily special soup or soup of the day.
speak twice for me - say it twice for me
splender, splurge, and bluster - (best guess) a splendid splurge of money with a lot of noise.
stalagmites - stalactites (come up)
STAR guidelines - used at Calvin's plant to mean: Stop, Think, Act, and Review
starving and thirsty for affection - starving for affection
steady rock fingers - fingers as steady as a rock
Stencil - Stetson (a cologne)
Steven Steelsburg - combination of Steven Siegel(actor) and Steven Spielberg (director)
stop blistering me - stop laying bliss on me
strawberry-flavored cherries - strawberries
stuck-up ding-dong in my throat - crumbs from a Ding-Dong snack cake caught in my throat
sugar-free raisins - (best guess) raisins that did not come from a cereal box
sunspot - (best guess) a sunburned spot
T&M - Calvin favorite movie genre: Tits and Monsters
take my meaning - understand me
take that to the cleaners - take that to the bank
take my potluck chance - take potluck
'. . . talk about the boy with big old tittie.' - '. . . talk about the boy from New York City.'
talk of conversation - talk of the town
Tally whackers - combination of tadpoles and polliwogs
Tell us what we gotta do, Big Pilgrim - (if you listen carefully you can hear the John Wayneimitation)
ten days of nights - or is that ten nights of days - ten night shifts in a row
the whole 9 yards - according to Calvin: 10 feet long
the waitress played it to the 'T' - the waitress played it to the hilt
the big O. C. - the big ocean
the five continents - according to Calvin: A, E, I, O, U
the lifetime of my heart - (best guess) the lifeline of my heart
the finger is quicker than the motion - the hand is quicker than the eye
the flaw in the ointment - the fly in the ointment (spoken by Charlie, indicating that Calvinism is infectious)
the french bone's connected to the hip bone - the thigh bone's connected to the hip bone
the Hind-Lick maneuver - the Heimlich Maneuver (life-saving body manipulation to discharge clogged food causing choking)
the light inflection - the light reflection
The Miracle on Fifth Avenue - Christmas favorite movie: The Miracle on 34st Street
the pain of victory and the agony of defeat - the joy of victory and the agony of defeat
the rhythm section - the rhythm method
the spores in my arm - the pores in my arm
The Unforbidden - correct movie name is The Unforgiven
the water is starting to psyche me out - (anybody's guess)
the water's all over the dam - that's water over the dam
the woodwork - out of the woodwork
there were definitely stars in the air tonight! - I saw stars tonight!
they make my eyes blurry - they are a blur in my eyes
thing-thing - euphemism for penis
thirsting for food - hungry
thirty degree - third degree
Thou guess thou takes a walk over to thou's car and gets thou's clubs? - (Thou's guess is as good as mine - but here's my best guess anyway) I guess I will walk over to my car and get my clubs.
Getter Mouse Slot Machine Stuck On C7 Disc
Thou shalt return - I will return
thousand days - three years is more than a thousand days (by three months)
threading on thin water (or ice) - treading on thin ice (what kind of 'thread' would it be?)
throwing in your three cents - throwing in your two cents
tile - style
TLC - acronym for tender loving care
to get his Band-Aid - to get his bandage
to light a fire under your flame - to light a fire under you
to coast me - to coax me
Getter Mouse Slot Machine Stuck On C7 Corvette
Tom, Dick, else Harry - Tom, Dick, and Harry
tone blind - combination of color blind and tone deaf but only affects color matching
took the ball by the hand - took the bull by the horns
too much of a long horse - too much of a long shot
too many hands in the fire - too many irons in the fire
too many other shit on my mind - too much shit on my mind
torrentially soaked - combination of soaked and in a torrential downpour
tracheometry - tracheotomy
tread marks in your drawers - skid marks in your drawers
Trilogy Pursuits - Trivial Pursuits (popular board game during 1980's)
trips when he chews gum - he can't walk and chew gum at the same time
Tumble, tumble, toil and trouble - from Macbeth: Double bubble, toil and trouble
turnaround - (industry jargon) the period of time a unit is down for repairs or refurbishing
turn beak red - turn beet red
twelve hours of sunlight and twelve hours of daylight - correct definition of equinox is 12 hours of daylight and 12 hours of darkness.
twisted me on - twisted my arm
two indentions in my chest - two depressions
two-story concrete slab - a concrete slab for my two story house
tye-acky sauce - Teriyaki sauce (sweet dark sauce used on stir fries)
Getter Mouse Slot Machine Stuck On C7 C6
undercooked poetry - undercooked poultry
Unless you get the hang of it, you'll be alright. - Once you get the hang of it, you'll be alright.
Unos, dosos, tresos - unos, dos, tres (one, two three in Spanish)
Vaseline Expensive Care lotion - Vaseline Intensive Care lotion
veal cutlass - veal cutlet
Venus the Miler - Venus de Milo (famous statue in the Louvre, Paris, female figure sans arms)
very secretarial - very much like a secretary
vials and continents - vowels and consonants
victim of blind innocence - combination of innocent victim and blind justice
Viepmanese - Vietnamese
Virginia Tree - virginity
vowels, mountains, and continents - vowels and consonants
walked in on potluck - (best guess) took potluck
wham, bam, shamalamb - (best guess) one, two, three (to describe three sharp steps)
wandering ears - said of someone who overhears something
Wandering minds - Wondering minds
wang-dang ding-dong - (best guess) wingding
wet my thirst - drink something
what are you, a mirror? - (best guess) I just ran into you like you were a mirror.
what the future lies - what lies in the future
when the fire hits the ice - (best guess) when the shit hits the fan
whippersnippers - whippersnappers
white water rapiding - shooting white water rapids
who's driving should dedicate where he wants to go - who's driving should dictate where he . . .
Willie Pride and Charlie Nelson - Willie Nelson and Charlie Pride (Country singers)
Willow Beast - wildebeast (African herd animal that is known for mass migrations)
wings on our toes - wings on our shoes
wing-tips - straggly pieces of hair sticking out over Calvin's collar (actually used for style of men's shoes with a wing pattern on the tips)
with her hair all flabbered down - with her hair all flattened down
wonderer - (combination of wonder and a creator of wonder)
Wong-Tongue - Won Ton soup (Chinese delicacy )
World Book of Genesis - GUINNESS World Book of Records
WotWhiler - Rottweiler (large black dog, figured prominently in movie, Omen, thus the devil dog reputation.)
WYSIWIG - What You See Is What You Get (computer acronym- pronounced whizzy-wig- it is a noun)
Yankee Southern voice - (best guess) heavy Southern drawl- it sounds foreign - like a Yankee
you spark my flame - you light my fire
you blew my bubble - you busted my bubble
you got ESPN - you've got extra-sensory perception (ESP)
you gotta fail second grade to get to that high - (anybody's guess) used to refer to higher math
you cease to amaze me - you never cease to amaze me
You beat me to the cake! - You take the cake!
you can't squeeze blood out of a tournament - you can't squeeze blood out of a turnip
You cut me from the knees - You cut me at the knees
You don't know what my eyes look like - You can't see through my eyes. (physiological fact.)
You loosen my bones and rattled my brain - You shake my bones and you rattle my brain (from Great Balls of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis)
you were the cake - you took the cake
you'll ruffle my dandruff - you'll ruffle my feathers
You're in galoots - You're in cahoots
your handy cock - your John Hancock (signature)
Yukon and Ireland - Yucatan and island
If you have experienced problems recalling the correct phrase after reading Calvin's creative interpretation ofit, this glossary is for you. Consider it as an antidote or a RESET button for returning control of your original languagecapability to you. While preparing this glossary, I first put the correct translation for 'beat you with a red-headed child'as 'beat you with a red-headed stepchild' which was close -- the correct phrase being, of course, 'beat you like a red-headed stepchild.' Like a good parent holding a spoon of medicine in front of your mouth, I say, read on, it's good foryou.
Now that you've found the term you were interested in, perhaps you'd like to try another of the Collection of 20 Humorous Essays.
For background information on how the Book of Calvin came about, read Book 1.
0102030405060708091011121314151617181920
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^ Glossary for Book of Calvin Essays ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
Click to Go Back to the First Essay of The Book of Calvin